For many years, I believed everything that happened to me in life depended on my thoughts, decisions, and actions.
It was not because I felt powerful, super confident, or had bucketfuls of positivity. In fact, it was the complete opposite. I felt the weight of each decision I made, believing that if I made the wrong move, I would have to pay the price for every mistake I made.
At that time, the unknown future felt like a puzzle that I needed to figure out. I had to get the pieces fitting perfectly, or, if not, my future would be doomed.
And when the inevitable happened, when something went wrong, I believed I had either failed to make the right decision or failed to act on it properly. My INFP-T brain also worked overtime, worrying about my possible failures and consequences because of my actions and choices.
Beneath all the worrying, overthinking, and overanalysing was a deeper fear: the fear of losing control of my life and future.
Life and time changed my perspective.
I learnt that no matter how carefully I planned, there are some things beyond my control. I learnt that I can’t control what other people think, believe, or feel. I learnt that in life, some doors were always going to be locked for me no matter how hard I tried to open them, and that other doors opened with just the touch of a button.
It took me a few years, but I finally understood my fear and learnt to move beyond it. I learnt that while I am responsible for my choices and actions and for doing my best; I am not responsible for every outcome.
I no longer need to have every piece in the puzzle fixed in place before taking the next step, nor do I feel the weight of my decisions and the consequences of those decisions.
I’ve learnt that there are higher powers at work, guiding my thoughts, decisions, and actions. I’ve learnt that even when there’s a stumbling block in my path, I can and will get through it, with the help of my spiritual guides.
That’s how I overcame my fear of losing control of my life and future.
I still make plans. I still think carefully. I still try my best.
And I leave the rest to God.
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